Edited to include definitions:
gossip: one who chatters idly about others
idly (idle): worthless, useless
Not long ago I was taken into confidence by a new friend about some trouble that was fairly distressing to her. Her tears broke my heart and changed the way I perceived her -- for the better. There was time for me to pray over her. There was time for her to share her heart some more. And before we parted ways, I asked her permission to share the information with Husband, that we might pray about this together. I assumed she would say yes.
But, instead, she gasped at the very thought and asked that I not; I assured her I would respect her choice.
My husband and I share a lot -- we talk about politics, we talk about our girls, I seek his counsel on how to best conduct myself in the area of interpersonal relationships, and we discuss what we're learning about the Lord from His Word and from our teachers. For reasons that can only be called gracious and merciful, the Lord has blessed us with a strong marriage and comfortable friendship. Frankly, we don't find ourselves "working hard" at it; it has come pretty naturally to us after 18 years. It didn't always of course -- we had our fair share of drama in those early years -- but we've settled down, matured and are really very happy.
One thing we don't share though, is the confidences shared with us by those outside our marriage. Our friends, especially those who are struggling with doubt or sin, have a reasonable expectation of privacy when they choose one of us to be an "ear" to their dilemma or a counselor to their confusion -- whether it be privately, or in the course of a semi-private conversation.
Given the definitions above, I've also decided to exercise the discipline of "check-listing" a topic before I share it with Husband. Is it idle talk? Is it of any use or worth? Can he help or will it defile? Will the information only serve to divide?
Would the subject of the chatter be embarrassed to be in the room while I'm sharing?
And when I find it just too hard to live by this discipline -- because there will be moments -- I will choose to do some serious self-examination. Do I lack in self-control? Am I emotional and indiscreet? Am I giving in to the flesh that so craves to know the deep, dark, juicy details?
Do I love the drama?
My husband is even more self-controlled in this area than am I. He can hold another's private confession so tight that I won't even know he has it! Some will think that suggests a disconnect, and that's o.k. because I know better.
I respect my husband immensely and trust him all the more because he has such strength of character to hold another man's confidence from me unless it directly affects me, or my children, or our safety.
8 comments:
Confidences of friends don't have to be shared with spouses and it was good of you to ask..and even better of you to honour.
That poem by Pachelbel..is that the same Pachelbel who wrote Adagio for Strings? Can imagine this powerful poem to that beautiful music.
Adagio for Strings is one of my favorite pieces. You do mean the heavy, reflective, somber piece? That's actually a relatively contemporary composer named Samuel Barber. I love that piece!
Pachelbel is most famous for his Canon in D (Major). The wedding song. I do so wish I could stream the audio to Christ Lag In Todesbanden...but I'm computer-challenged. :(
Very good thoughts, with good scriptural back-up. Thank you.
Your title says it all--confidences can become gossip if there is no reason for our spouse to know. I almost always ask if it is ok to share with my husband. I definitely honor it if a friend says no. And I know that my husband holds confidences that he does not share with me. I am glad. I don't need to know everything. How wise of your husband to warn you.
I always ask if it's okay for husband to know if someone tells me something in confidence. I don't think anyone has ever refused if they have known hubby, they know that it would never go any further.
Mind you there are some woman things with my close girlfriends that I would not go into details about, other than to say "so and so needs prayer".
I must admit I love the Cannon in D too. Vivaldi is a fave here, his Gloria is wonderful, even though I studied it at school.
To me, GB, it's like opening each other's mail. Rob and I have been married for 28 years next month. And we've always respected that each of us has a modicum of privacy within our marriage. I would never open even the most insignificant piece of mail if it's addressed specifically to him. Nor would he.
The same holds true with the things our friends trust us with. What kind of friend are we if we can't honor a simple request like, "I so need to talk to you but I have to know I'm only talking to you."
I agree with you that if it's not something that impacts my family, it's between me and my friend. I so respect that.
I think this could be a problem in a marriage where partners aren't completely sure of each other and not totally committed. In my marriage it's not a problem. We are secure in our relationship so we aren't threatened by "secrets" we are bound not to share.
And can I say this? I feel like a complete novice. But I have such respect for your love of classical music. My knowledge extends to Ravel's Bolero and it's almost embarrassing. I so wish I had a clue to even know where to start an appreciation for music beyond Bruce Springsteen (careful - I love him) and I really respect that about you.
Oh! Maurice Ravel! My first favorite! Really! Bolero is a fantastic piece, though Bo Derek and her hair did kind of ruin it for me. *sigh* I first discovered Ravel through an inexpensive compilation cd that Husband brought home years ago. Look for a piece called Pavane For A Dead Princess.
Those classical cds in the "priced-right" bins are a great place to start listening. They are usually chock-full of some of the most famous pieces by well-regarded composers; but even if you end up with a dud, you've only spent a few dollars. (Literally, $3 - $7 usually.)
I have MUCH to learn about the composers and their musical styles; this genre simply sends my soul soaring. It literally brings forth praise to my lips!
Can't I say something, Barb? :) Springsteen absolutely has my respect as an artist who has something insightful to say through his art. While his music may not "touch" me, I can appreciate that he is not one to put out mindless dribble like too many contemporary artists.
When I'm not listening to classical, I can be caught enjoying the soothing sounds of Alison Krauss or Johnny Cash.
Thank you, GB! That's exactly what I'm going to do. My husband knows a lot more about classical music than I know - so he'll be a big help, too. And Johnny Cash is a hero around here. Rob just bought another CD last weekend and it includes my all time favorite song by him - The Wanderer - with U2.
Thanks for the tips.
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