I Just Backed Over My Cat...

and yeah...he died. I can barely believe it.

He gasped silently for a few seconds, but perished before I even got off our street on the way to the Animal Hospital. All three girls were with me. The guttural sobs that are exploding out of Two are almost unbearable. One is racked with guilt for all the times she ignored him. Three doesn't understand why we left him lifeless on the Vet's table.

His name was Baby Kitty and he had been with us for 18 years. He was a beautiful white cat with tan markings and gorgeous blue eyes. People were always commenting on his eyes. In this picture, he is posing with One -- nearly 11 years ago -- and we're pretty sure if he could speak he would have said, "Sooooo, how long will you be staying?" There is nothing like a new baby to turn a cat into a cat.

When we first brought him home as a stray found at a body shop, he was skinny and in need of a flea dip. For years, he wouldn't get too near us -- rather, he would watch the goings-on from the threshold of whatever room in which we gathered. He was a cat's cat: proud, independent and above the need for affection. Until the end. In the last years, he often wanted to be where we were. He even became a bit of a nuisance on the bed.

He was old and tired. We had been told months ago that his heart was likely not well and to expect him to die anytime now. I just can't believe it was me who hastened it. I don't know that I've ever witnessed life evaporate before -- never actually been there when it happened. Maybe this is a bad dream and I'll wake up soon.

I need to stop personifying him in my memory. If I continue on that line of thought, I'll be paralyzed with grief for the rest of the week. I dont have time for such indulgent behaviors.

I'm sad because this cat (and his adopted brother, which we put down 6 years ago) had been with Husband and me since the beginning of Us.

I'm sad that I caused this cat 45 long seconds of who-knows-how-unbearable pain.

I'm sad because the cost of my actions have fallen so hard and cost so dearly to another living creature -- not myself.

I'm unnerved by how grave are the consequences of a mistake that took me just a fraction of a minute to make. Life truly is a vapor, and I am humbled by that reality today.