Counting the Cost

Leaving behind people who will, in one way or another, hinder our Walk with the Lord, is very painful. It is not at all that we, as Christians, are asked to cut ties with friends and family; quite the contrary, we're eager to share the great news that Jesus invites everyone to receive of His free gift of eternal life. But we are now redeemed by the price of that free gift and belong to Him. We are moved to do things His way, and we desire to love the things He loves, and abhor the things which He abhors. These new thoughts and their resulting choices put people off and they sometimes choose to distance themselves from us. While it's true that time heals in intervals, every now and then there is a fresh reminder of the cost of the choice that has been made. Given the chance to change it, the same choice would prevail because it has to. The only other choices are disobedient, reckless or selfish.

Some 10 years ago, give or take, Husband and I looked at our options and asked his married, older brother to be guardian to our (then one) child. We were completely irreligious at the time. This was, to us, nothing more than a young couple's attempt to put all the ducks in a row and make a plan against the improbable. My in-laws were "blood," financially sound, hospitable, happy, and stable; we told them as much when we asked them to be guardian of One. At the time, these were the qualifications that were important to us, and they said, "yes" immediately. We were relieved -- as much as we needed to be. No big deal, really. (We never even got around to putting it on paper.) Check that off the "to do" list. I mean, we didn't really plan on following through with the arrangement, you know?

But practical is not how the arrangement was received by them. Unbeknownst to us then, and to some degree now (this is mostly conjecture), this couple superimposed the assignment with religious significance and received it as a great honor and privilege. They were our child's most involved relation with frequent gifts of great books and adorable clothes. We thought it was just because they loved One.

Not more than 3 years later, when both Husband and I had Walked with the Lord long enough to really understand the gravity of our responsibility as parents, we knew we needed to reassign guardianship to someone who would be trustworthy with not only One's body and soul, but more importantly now, her spirit too. At our core, we understood that our reason for existing is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever! Assigning our child(ren) to be raised in a home devoid of the Savior was not an option we could let stand. Husband's brother and sister-in-law hadn't changed, but we had.

Now, before I move forward, let me spell out the choices we thought we had before us: (1) do nothing and hope we don't die, (2) follow our God-given conviction to do all in our power to provide a godly home for One in the event of our death, or (3) change guardianship but don't tell anyone - let them find out if and when....

A couple of well-meaning Christians have post-counseled us (meaning after the fact, so what was their motivation) that we should have chosen option #3! Easier, yes! But what kind of witness would we be bearing then? It was a self-preserving choice -- the selfish choice.

Husband remembers that he flew out alone to tell them the news. We knew it wouldn't be a popular decision because for many, many years, this lovely couple had been unable to bear their own children and had been somewhat tramatized by at least one failed adoption attempt -- maybe two. Tragic, heart-wrenching -- but not part of this equation. Husband, being the humble man that he is, did the best he could in telling his brother of our decision, but by his own admission, stumbled and fumbled and might have even sputtered out some explanations with the lack of tact and discretion that comes with being a new believer that hasn't long studied the bible to really know what God says is true about darkness and light, His children and the world. I don't know because I wasn't there, but on His worst day, Husband is a fairly gracious man.

As best Husband can remember all these years later, they three were quiet after the news was shared. Once they each went to their separate "corners" to bed down for the night, Husband was visited by his sister-in-law who tearfully told him that he had broken their hearts, and that he, "was a very brave man." Curious. He doesn't believe she was being sarcastic. Perhaps some part of her did understand after all; I like to hope so as I remember that the very week I came to Christ in 1997, we were taken by surprise to find out that she was being confirmed into the Episcopal Church.

The next morning, as Husband was preparing to depart to the airport, he visited his brother's workplace where it became clear the relationship was being severed. There was no eye contact, only the cold tone of his brother that stated, "You made the call."

I remember he was still pretty drained-in-the-face when he came home that day. In a vain attempt to smooth any unnecessarily rough edges in his presentation, Husband shot off a follow-up letter within a couple of days. We can't remember clearly whether there was a response. Other than a handful of distant, but polite "thank-yous" from Sister-In-Law for this or that, there has been no direct communication coming from their end for these 8 years.

Over the years that have ensued, we have alternated the occasional plea for reconciliation with the cordial keeping-the-channel-open letter with children's portraits or Christmas cards. Frankly, we've not kept up those efforts in the most recent years. We've been working from the perspective that we heaped pain onto heartache, and have been trying to give them their space and privacy, hoping time would heal the wounds and offer a chance to be civil again.

Last week, Husband wrote a beautifully heart-felt letter to implore his brother to reconsider and meet with us. He used the Genesis story of Jacob sending messengers ahead to "feel out" Esau for his willingness to receive him. We prayed that God would honor this attempt and let not the use of His Word return void. We know He is faithful -- to His purposes, if not ours. We were talking last night about the fact that Husband's brother would have received the letter by now, and were guessing what might be expected as a result. I really believed that if his brother had a change of heart, he would call, and if not, he would simply ignore us completely.

I only wish that's how it had worked out.

Today we received his reply. It was articulate, compelling, emotionally strong, purposeful and scathing. It was all these things and more, but its conclusions are still not true. It certainly served to give us pause to ask the Lord to show us if there was a rebuke in the letter that He wanted us to consider as was the case when Abimelech, the heathen gave Abraham the believer a rebuke (about another matter entirely) in Genesis. Maybe there is something yet for us to learn, but for now we are remembering our Lord's words as he cautioned the people to count the costs of following Him. They are sometimes high. But when He gives His Truth, all else grows dim in Its Light.

Now I will try to comfort Husband with the comfort I have received in dealing with the same sense of loss.