And So, We Must Take The Road More Traveled

When we first started walking with the Lord some odd 10 year ago, we did it the only way we had seen modeled for us. We attended a 3-times a week, suit and tie, 19th and early 20th century hymns, VBS hosting, "Good morning Brother!" Baptist church. It was sweet. Very sweet. Baptists are very welcoming. Hospitality is their gift.

When that church split in a very ugly way, we "baby believers" scooted gingerly along the wall until the coast was clear, and then ran as fast as we could to the other side of the pendulum swing.

Our new church was contemporary. Kind of yuppie. Once a week service with a small invitation-only ladies' study. Husband wanted to be there, and I was just barely mature enough in my faith to know the importance of submitting to my Husband's will in such matters. So we stayed. And I prayed. I prayed the Lord would turn my heart toward this church.

And then on Easter, in the middle of the service and from the front row with then-3-year-old Fifi by my side, I dared to pray for deliverance from this church. Our trust was broken that day by the strange and "relevant" way the congregation chose to remember the Lord's resurrection. I think it was meant to be an outreach play, but it was rife with marital strife, bickering, teen angst and attempted suicide.

Our next stop was a Presbyterian Church (of America) chock full of wise, committed believers dedicated to the reverent worship of God and building up of the Body in Scriptural Truth and understanding. Unfortunately for us at such an early stage in our Walk with God, while they were utilizing RC Sproul's Grace Unknown to prompt Sunday evening theology discussion, Husband and I looked at Fifi's extra-large, illustrated Children's Bible and only half-jokingly admitted that that was our level of theology at the time.

Well...it was that and the heavy emphasis on denominational tradition.

Which explains why our next stop was a non-denominational Bible church. Good, solid teaching happening there, and we sat under it on and off for about 5 years. But gradually over that time, we were disappointed to realize that the focus of the church was on its private academy for K-12. And we were homeschoolers. So we never really integrated well. And then the Lord showed us some other concerns that led us to...

The homechurch movement. Sometimes called family-integrated. Antagonists might even say cultish. We spent two years attending two different congregations where there were no Sunday schools, no children's chapel--not even a nursery. Children sit with parents and siblings. They color. They groom their dolls. If they're blessed, the speaker will be gifted and have something to offer on their level so they can hear the Word. Mostly they sit and practice attentiveness, and that's not a bad thing.

There is a fairly strong emphasis on patriarchy in these circles. And that, too, is not a bad thing. It's scriptural. It's orderly. I appreciate that. But, what we've come to recognize in this environment is that for some, the family-integration and patriarchal commitment is overbearing. Dare I say: an idol.

How can I say that?

Well, it's not because the fathers and husbands are making choices for their families that mine wouldn't make or that I don't agree with. That's their business. Not mine.

But when another women's husband makes choices for their family that inevitably become choices for our family, then it has become my business. And Husband and I have decided that we're tired of it.

There isn't really anything to do about it. Ultimately, if others want to make non-essential, unnecessary patriarchal decisions for their families, that's their prerogative. But when those decisions bleed over and start making choices for our family, it's our prerogative to cut our losses and invest our time and emotion somewhere else.

So. We're back. Been there; done that. We've moved back to church in a conventional setting, and it's good. But we've taken some of what we've learned along the way, with us. More often than not, the girls sit, sing and worship in our company. But not always. There is room for them to be mentored and make meaningful connections with other trusted adults who have taken the initiative to know us.

Youth groups? I can't imagine. But never say never.

All the while, the girls know that in our family--family comes first. Loyalty to sisters comes above popularity. Honoring God comes before the pursuit of our own pleasure. Obedience to parents is an expression of obedience to God.

But I think that all of these things can be accomplished without sewing the members of our family together at the hip. That, of course, is meant to be figurative, but given the nature of the movement, I thought I'd better make that clear. Nobody is actually sewing themselves to one another.

At least I haven't noticed the thread.

And one new thing I learned. It made me a little sad when it was expressed to me by a very kind and wise man in our new church one day a couple of months ago. It would seem that in the pursuit of family-integrated, protective, unified bliss--people are being hurt. Perhaps some people inside the family, to be sure--but to my surprise, it's the people outside the family that are left to feel snubbed, rejected and left out. The family-integrated church movement isn't allowing for reasonably-supervised and meaningful fellowship amongst the young men or the young women who have proved themselves trustworthy, and it's not providing ample mentorship opportunities between the old and the young and the very young. But mostly, it's not giving anyone a chance to be of use. And the very best way to share Jesus with others or to build up believers and spur them on to good work is to let them be of use.

Jesus did. I wrote about it here.