Today I made some decisions.
Some of them were bad ones -- like allowing myself to be distracted by an unGodly drama so that I did not have the presence of mind to treasure more of today's moments with my girls.
And some of them were very good decisions. Like the one I made this afternoon when I drew Fifi to me, looked her straight in those oh-so-kind, big brown eyes and reminded her that I don't make promises; the Bible cautions me not to because I can't presume to know that much about myself, much less the future.
But I told her I wanted with all my heart, to make a promise to her today, and would in fact make that promise for as far as it is within my control to keep it.
I first confessed and apologized to her again for all the incidents of bully-rage that I've inflicted on her in her 11 years. It's not a daily or even a weekly thing, but that doesn't matter. To give voice to rage in moments of stress, frustration, illness or hormones -- no matter the frequency or infrequency -- is u-g-l-y. I knew that already, but I'd -- at times -- done it anyway. I just couldn't help myself.
But today, I got to know it from the other side -- from the position of the victim rather than the perpetrator. I got to feel what it's like to have someone cyber-yelling at me uncontrollably without being free to get much of a word in edgewise. I got to feel what it's like to be on the receiving end of accusations that I can't even decipher. I got to feel what it's like to be called names and to want to cower in the corner for cover against the anger of one who is professing her love out the other side of her mouth.
Until today, maybe I just didn't know how devastating those fiery arrows really were, or how helpless the attack might leave my own daughter feeling. But God is working everything for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose.
So, I promised Fifi that I would never be raging at her again. And I believe that I've found the victory in Jesus over that sin today. I really do. For the first time, I'm walking in the confidence of that promised victory.
And I'm excited for what tomorrow will bring for me and my darling girls.
4 comments:
GB,
I have been reading here for a while now, and am coming out of lurkdom to say that I could have written this post myself a short while back (except about someone raging at me-- that has never happened). My beloved son was the occasional victim of my rages as well. I am so thankful for the conviction of the Lord and His stength to overcome. And the forgiveness of my son.
I enjoy your blog very much. Blessings to you and your family.
You're certainly not the only mom out here who's been guilty of this. I'm sorry about the email you received. You've really been through it this last week. And all because you're what I called you in my comment when you did the one word meme -- straightforward. I meant that in the best possible way because it's what I respect about you most.
Whatever it takes to wake us up when we're raging at our children, it's worth it, even when it's painful. I love what happened between you and Fifi today.
It's amazing to me how people will use the 'protection' of this blogdom to use for destruction. Though I suppose the enemy prowls everywhere.
Thank you for your honesty. I love how you had the courage to tell your daughter sorry and deal with the issue. She'll never forget it.
I have been convicted of this very thing. I know I'm wrong when I lash out at my children, for whatever the reason may be. The Holy Spirit has definately been dealing with me about this. I'm not perfect, but I know with the help of the Holy Spirit at work in my life, I can overcome this sin in my life.
Thanks again for the honesty. It is nice to hear honesty. So many times Christians live like the song by Casting Crowns about "happy plastic people."
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