I was all ready to sit down and blog some honesty about what a failure I feel some days, and then I caught sight of that commercial in which the mother and daughter are (not) having a drop-down, drag-out, in-your-face fight over a new cell phone...and I feel better now.But back to the promise of honesty in this blog -- I'm guessing I can count on two hands the number of days in a school year that I finish the day with a real feeling of completion, accomplishment or success. You know the kind of day I'm talking about: all subjects covered, everyone was cheerful and cooperative, there was no nagging because there was no complaining or irresponsible mess-making, little girls left their barrettes in their bangs where I placed them (does that make me a control freak), something new was introduced, the children were so engaged in a worthwhile activity when Daddy came home that they didn't even clobber him at the threshold, nobody thought to ask for a movie or computer time, dinner was made on time -- and was healthy, and everyone happily pitched in on the clean-up so that we could all sit and enjoy a meaty discussion over God's Word before bed.
Okay...maybe one hand.
It's always something that gets left behind and forgotten: laundry, music practice, math, storybooks, dinner prep, penmanship, history, dictation, geography...oh! don't even go there...or science. Science! Ugh...oh yeah, science! One or 6 of these things are daily like little demons whispering my failure to me. It's maddening. And it weighs me down with guilt.
I keep making plans, building schedules, reading webpages, reviewing method books, blah, blah, blah. But there is a serious chasm between knowing what needs to get done and getting it done. What is wrong with me? Oh, I know what it is! I don't want to do this anymore. It's too hard. It's impossible. It's annoying and crowded and draining. I'm a loner who is never alone.
So then...there it is. Mother Of The Year material, right? But I'm being honest. And here is more honesty: it really doesn't have much of anything to do with my girls, because they are 3 of my very favorite people. They're great. (Even though they can't.stop.playing, and toys slough off their persons no matter how much restriction I place on them.) And it doesn't have much to do with educating my girls either, because I love that. I wouldn't trade those milestone moments to some stranger for anything!
It's me. Totally me. I'm unfocused, woefully lacking in creativity, and...ahem...lazy. I'm a lazy homeschooler. I don't want to read the teacher's manuals and I don't want to get things ready the night before. By the time the girls go to bed, stick a fork in me -- I'm done!
I'm my very worst enemy in this homeschooling adventure. But I'm doing it anyway. And I'll keep doing it. And I'll keeping hoping that tomorrow will be better. And I'll trust God to show me what to do and believe that He will equip me to teach these people what He would have them to know, according to His purpose for them. I'll continue to confess to Him that I have made my plans for the day, but that He has ordained my steps. And I'll keep asking Him to help me walk confidently and contentedly in them.
And I'll keep blogging about the good times. They will help me to see the progress in this marathon that is most certainly not a sprint.
8 comments:
I could have made the same post. I dare say we probably have a lot of company. All we can do is keep trying!
wow, it is so refreshing to read that someone else has the same struggles I do. We just have to keep laying our weights aside and running the race right? Now I just need to DO it. Thank you for the encourageement. God Bless!
I've had a rubbish day today too. But tomorrow is fresh and new and His mercies are new every morning.
I had a good friend once say that even if we did NOTHING with our kids ALL DAY, it would still ibe better than what's happening at the public schools. I tend to agree.
You're a mom, you're working your rear end off to give your kids the best and it never ends, the work and all the planning and the things that mess up your schedule... so...you get tired and discouraged.
What you're doing is so good, even when you don't think it is. Give yourself a little credit. Just reading this post made me tired. I so admire you.
You sweet ladies are a little like Aaron and Hur who upheld Moses' arms during the battle Joshua led.
Thanks for your supportive words that serve to uphold my will and faith that I can do this.
God bless you.
I am so glad you posted this honesty. Although I enjoyed my first year of home schooling last year, I worked so hard to prove to myself and hubby that I could do this, that by summer I was burned out!
And here it is just a week away from diving into it and I just can't get motivated!
This week, I will be spending time with God, focusing on this issue. Because just like you, there is a part of me that loves it, believes in it...yet, I feel like a lazy homeschool mom right now too.
So let's encourage each other! We can do this...with God's help!
You are doing great Grafted if you get some things done every day! I struggle with the same feelings but have learned that though I have a nice beautiful schedule, we realistically can't cover all every day!
I am trying something new this year, we are not even attempting to do all every day! We are rotating subjects and doing the best we can! Some days are better than others, but that is how life is!
The days we get a lot done are wonderful, the days we don't quite get there, it is okay, there is always tomorrow!!
Sometimes we have to stop to realize what is most important---our to-do list, our schedule or our children and our God--how He is leading us to use the day. If I get too busy with trying to get the schedule accomplished, I usually end up brushing aside or missing something my children are trying to show me, share with me, explain to me because I am saying "hang on, I have to finish __,__ with ___, first". I catch myself starting to do that more now and instead I stop to focus on my child who needs me! I am not talking about inappropriate interruptions, but those times where there really is no reason not to stop and listen other than I am to focused on what "I" have to do to stop and pay attention to my children!
Homeschooling has challenged me in ways I never thought of because "I" can't control all the kids all the time! I can't force them to learn and understand! Give me a project to do, 100 families to coordinate, etc. I can do that no problem because it is on my terms and my time schedule, but dealing with 4 unique children is a totally different story!
You are doing great! God will truly bless your efforts! You are in my prayers!
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