I wrote a post yesterday that had been on my heart for months. It was a post that expressed my appreciation for one episode displaying the way Christ first loves us, so that we might then love Him.
It went over like a lead balloon.
I'm not concerned so much that many people looked, but slipped away quietly without commenting as I am that my meaning was lost in the shocking statement I made about the experience I've had with too many Sisters.
What I was trying to say was that the best teachers are the ones who are "big" enough, mature enough and humble enough to acknowledge the talent and value of others. I have been taught some incredible principles by women who have gained my attention by the simplest acts of validation: What did I think of such-and-such-a book? Am I available to babysit their children while they make a doctor's appointment? "Hey! I linked you on my blog."
These are such simple, yet important things to do to encourage one another in our walks with God, but often enough those with much wisdom to give -- forget. And it hurts.
That's what I was trying to say, and I think it needed to be said. Sometimes people misunderstand me.
Which brings me to today. Before I spoke on the phone with a friend, I spent the day feeling a bit "hollowed out." We talked about bitterness. We talked about hurt. Is it fair to say that all bitterness contains hurt, but that not all hurt is enveloped in bitterness?
I have a certain relation of whom I'm afraid. Yes, afraid. Scoot-along-the-wall, wish-I-was-invisible afraid. I love this Relation, because Relation is...well...kin. But Relation has suffered much emotional hurt in this life -- some perceived, some real -- and has not had the Rock on which to build life and cast cares. Relation is unregenerate. Deceived -- plain, simple and tragic. And as one may imagine, the result has been misplaced hurt, manifesting itself in strained dealings with others. In this case, me.
Relation and I have a history of contention and striving with one another. We have a history of mutual hurts. We also have a history of trying to put it all aside and have some meaningful dialog. Unfortunately, that's where I let my guard down last year and got desperately hurt. A very unnecessary, ugly ultimatum was made....out of nowhere...and it was all about our Christianity -- the same Christianity that I pray is pervasive on this journal.
So, imagine how unnerved I was today when I received an email from Relation tursely asking for my blog URL! Relation says the address is wanted because Relation wants to keep up on my family's news.
Ugh. Here I am just typing along, posting pictures, trying to leave a record of my faith to my posterity when somehow this uninvited conundrum barges into my life and backs me into a corner! I'm in trouble if I do, and I'm in trouble if I don't! I hate that.
I could share the URL in hopes that the Lord would use it to prepare a heart, but I don't really believe that will be the case. I believe that Relation will read my blog, be irritated at my faith, gossip about it to other relations, and thereby bring into those relationships a sense of stress and tension. Guess who will ultimately be blamed for that? Me! And Jesus. That's how things work with my relations.
The bible cautions me not to toss my pearl before swine. So, "What do I do?" I ask Husband. (Have I mentioned how blessed I am to have Husband? He is wiser than me, and more discreet than me.)
He suggests that I start a new blog, just for Relation.
I am incredulous at the suggestion! The whole reason I started this blog was because I had my thoughts scattered here, there and everywhere...NO!
But then I calmed down and thought about it in terms of how much trouble is it worth to avoid the seemingly inevitable? And I decided to do it. There won't be any essays. There won't be any reflection. It will be simply a record of children, trips, and homeschool. It's the least I can do. It's the most I can do. I'm so thankful that the Lord did make a way of escape for me in this. I pray He will honor my heart's desire to live at peace whenever possible.
10 comments:
Wow. You could have been writing about *me* and a certain relation of mine very own - but so much more eloquently than I ever could have! I *understand*. Really. I started to hyperventilate the day I saw a "hit" on my meter from someone in my hometown. Ack. Once I was fully certain it could not be said relation, I calmed down. Oh. My. Do I ever understand!
And your post yesterday was *lovely*. Often I do slip out without commenting because I just have no words left to express my thoughts. I greatly appreciated your thoughts. My husband just recently preached a message on the woman at the well - so it is a subject we have studied at length ourselves!
In Christ alone,
Kari
I, too, often wonder about those who come and don't leave a comment but then I know I sometimes read and don't comment as well because though I might have been touched or enjoyed or laughed with the writer I have nothing coherent to add.
As to your blog...I understand. I haven't shared mine with my family. I know I wish I had the kind of relations that I could but I don't. I near passed out when I discovered DH had shared it with his mother!!! Thankfully I hadn't had a driving need to write on that topic (only by grace! LOL). I do understand...have no answers but understand!
I do understand the two blog thing. I do have 2, it is a hassle at times, but I do it anyway.
My husbands family is also in our former faith family, and I don't want to hurt their feelings by the things I post. They just don't understand our change in faith. I do sometimes copy and paste my posts from one blog to the other, not not always. I like to post more of my thoughts on my personal blog, and I'm afraid that I'd hurt feelings if they read everything, even though that is not my intention. I truly want them to see what I see, and I know that God will have to open their understanding for that to happen. If that day does come, I will then share it with them. For now, NO WAY!! I generally use the family one to post "updates" in our lives, pictures of the boys, or just generic stuff. Also, I have the same reasons as you, for not sharing my "personal" one with my family.
I do have a desire to see my family be saved. But, for now I would like to not have the things I post "used" against me in any way. If they come across my blog by accident, which could ver well happen, then so be it. We'll deal with that later.
I hope this is of some value to you.
have a blessed day. Sorry this was so long.
I know you and your husband made the right decision because it sounds like this 'relation' would be coming just to tear down and destroy.
I value each and every word your put out here. I know each word, each sentence comes at a cost to our soul and it's not always easy to find words to share. These are the very words Christ has put in us, or words we need redirection and reflection about.
God bless you! Isn't it wonderful to know how He is always there to protect you!
Coupla things... it is discouraging to post something meaningful only to have it go virtually unnoticed or ignored or whatever. I know. I've done that. Zero comments. However, I had published 2 posts that day, and the more recent one got all the comments. Could that be what happened here? Just a thought.
I've been having trouble leaving comments anywhere, so I'm blogging light (spending less time at my computer) to keep from getting frustrated with the whole business.
I like to give your deep posts my undivided attention, and I haven't been able to do that yet, so I reserve the right to comment after I've had a chance to read and contemplate it.
About the 2nd (or 3rd) blog, I think that's a great idea. (My relatives are similar, except that they're professing Christians.)
I hope it goes well, and I'll be praying for your relationship with Relation. With God all things are possible!
God Bless you and God Bless your relation too.
Christianity, or the relations ideas of christianity got in the way of a relationship here too. It took about 5 or 6 years before relation realised that they were making a complete mountian out of mole hill, and started to get back in touch.
Now relation sees that God is a huge part of who I am and that they can't change that, and has accepted that it's who I am.
Well...good news. Thanks to you all who rallied here in my comments and made me feel very supported! I won't try to express how bizarre I feel about getting a little weepy over the blessing of a cyber-Body of Christ. Isn't this just too much? How wonderful!
I went to great lengths to create a new blog under a new user name and everything. This relation would have to REALLY look for this blog to find it. It could be done, I suppose with a word search of my children's monikers since I'm using them over there too.
Anyway, I put a sitemeter on the new blog and felt like I was being chased all morning. More than a couple of hits, multiple pages, strange out-clicks from this relation's home town after I emailed the address! It was nerve-racking.
Later, I received an email from Relation thanking me and complimenting the blog.
Whew! And that's all I can say about that...WHEW! *patting brow*
Grafted, just catching up today. I am glad that adding the 2nd blog worked out with your relation so far! I also have similar family members that just wouldn't or don't understand some of the things we do or that I talk about. I am not as good about blogging everything as you are, but I hope to some time!
I will continue to be praying for you in this situation--that it will be enough to satisfy relation while maintaining your freedom to express yourself here!
Your posts are a blessing, always thought provoking or inspiring! I am amazed you have time to write everything up each day!
I have lots of topics I would like to write about but haven't had the time to put my thoughts together in a way that will make the most sense! I am working on it though!
Know that even if you don't have comments, your words and open heart are much appreciated! You are thought of and prayed for each day by me as well as others!
God bless you and keep you!
this comment is totally off the subject. I need some blogging help. You were the one who so kindly "taught" me how to link in my posts. So, next question is: I would like to have link list, you know for the blogs I fequent, but I just can't figure out how to do it. Can you help? Please feel free to leave a LONG comment, I still save the last help comment just in case I forget how to do it. Thanks in adavance.
I'm glad you started a new blog. It is a relief I know. been there, done that, well, I guess I am still doing that. Be careful not to accidently post to the new blog while signed into to your regular blog, because then it will list it as a "blog contributor". I did it once, I freaked out, but then I just deleted the post, and made sure I was signed out of my "secret" blog before I posted on the one for our fam.
Good luck.
Melissa
ROFLOL, Melissa! I'll try to remember all that. That would be awful. My blood pressure went up a couple of points just imagining it.
I'll try to find a minute this weekend to help you with your links. It's not too hard.
Wendy...that was a very sweet way you had of saying, "GB...you spend too much time blogging!" LOL! ;) Actually, I do my blogging at night. Husband and I look like a couple of 3 year olds playing parallel on our respective laptops! But we enjoy it. It's just a season, I think. Lots of thoughts to get down in writing and trying to get them downk before (Lord willing) another baby.
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