I broke down crying today. I let loose while painting the foyer. The girls were a few steps away having lunch and Three was looking for mischief and One was being her conscience. Two was "scooting along the walls," trying to be invisible as is her magnificent talent in those moments. I was investigating, refereeing and correcting from the other room and just suddenly became sick of the sound of my own voice. Now, in that moment, I wasn't yelling or being harsh -- I was just rising to my calling to teach and admonish -- and I just didn't want to do it anymore! I didn't want to tell Three to be good. I didn't want to tell Two to mind her table manners. I didn't want to tell One to try a kinder tone. I don't want to nag and critique; I want to be sweet, and demure. I want to be liked!
Aside from my short hormonal moment (and in looking at the calendar, that's exactly what it was), this was a good day. Everyone was productive. Husband and the girls installed the garden box they built last Saturday, and filled it with dirt. The planting will have to wait until tomorrow night or even sometime this week. God was good to give them milder temperatures and a little breeze.
I listened to my own advice and put on my painting clothes this morning. I even skipped the gym, and painted the foyer and the accent walls in the family room instead. Frankly, this isn't such a big deal when I remember how many paint jobs I've accomplished in this house alone. We moved in February of 2003, and painted the family room, playroom, 3rd bedroom, kitchen, formal dining and library. And within that schematic, the family room has been white, orange, mauve and now pale yellow. The playroom is vanilla, and ready for a new coat -- I haven't decided the color. The 3rd bedroom is still yellow, but also ready for a re-do. The kitchen has been mauve, 3 shades of yellow, blue, green and now pale yellow. The formal dining has been mauve, slate purle, yellow and is ready for a re-do. The library has been 2 shades of blue, slate purple, yellow and is being considered for a repaint. After all that, I guess hiring a decorator to help us pick our palette might have been economical. Or maybe we're just pacifying our nomadic tendencies with something less disruptive than a full-fledged move -- out of state.
At some point today, I started to touch up some of the edges in the kitchen and dining that Husband and One recently painted only to find that there is a LOT of touch-up to do in there. And then just a little more over there. Oh, and here. And then, well, I'll have to get the high spots later with a ladder. I thought to myself that it really is true that if I want something done right, I have to do it myself. And while it's too often true, it helped me realized that it is also really true that I am in the process of my sanctification -- I am being conformed and perfected -- and I have my hands full in that calling!
So, my priority today is to be so yielded to Christ and His calling for me, that I actually feel my heart following my head in the areas of being a helpmeet, being worthy of Husband's trust so that he succeeds in his ambitions, building my house rather than tearing it down with my hands, and hoping I will give my children reason to someday rise up and call me blessed. In short, I want to learn how to really let love cover a multitude of sins, rather than just stuffing them down or sweeping them into the corner.
I'm not there yet. I spend a fair amount of time biting my toungue and stifling wicked reactions. Sometimes I don't even succeed in doing that, but I will take some comfort in knowing where I'm headed -- I can see the goal.
No comments:
Post a Comment