Deny and Deflect, Rage and Repent

One went to bed last night feeling less than 100%, and awoke with a stuffy nose and slight sore throat -- a relapse. So, we were home from church again today. I'm coming to expect big things from the Lord during our home studies, and today was no exception. However, it wasn't a happy-clappy good time!

It started simple enough. Husband was keeping us up to date with the passage being studied in our church. It's the story of Lazarus' death. Sisters Martha and Mary are disappointed with the Lord because they feel if He hadn't tarried after receiving the news of Lazarus' illness, maybe their brother would still be alive. When Jesus visits the tomb after seeing how broken-hearted Mary is, the Pharisees remark that Jesus must have really loved Lazarus. At this point, One commented, "You know, Jesus was so merciful to the Pharisees," and that got us talking...

I asked aloud what makes a Pharisee? Afterall, in their own day, and in their own opinion, it was to their credit to be called a Pharisee. Today though, the term carries a very bad connotation. After we "brainstormed" the answer to the question, we concluded that today's Pharisees are driven by pride, and the manifestation of their efforts often look like this:

*A critical spirit
*An over-zealous attention to restriction/de-emphasis on liberty
*A focus on Law instead of humble gratitude to the One who fulfilled It
*A focus on the perceived faults of others
*All facade and no fruit
*An insular lifestyle resulting in...
*A lack of desire and opportunity to share the Gospel with the lost

We three had a very profitable discussion about walking the line that separates godly conviction from making an idol out of that very same conviction. I confessed that I have struggled to climb back to the right side of that line over the issue of music; there was a time not too many years ago that I would have been frightened to let my children hear music that I find worldly. I still hold the conviction today, and purpose to feed them a steady diet of music worthy of their attention, but I am no longer bound by fear when they catch wind of the latest "groove" over the music system in my local HEB.

At some point later in the conversation, the Lord used One to bring me to an acknowledgment of sin in my life. I won't be specific here with the details of my sin, but will say that it is a cousin to gossip and that I wasn't completely blind to it, I just hadn't wanted to see it that way -- I had been enjoying it too much. I had even taken steps to keep it from her (didn't I just blog about hiding a thing?) and didn't realize that she knew. But she did.

All this, and I haven't even begun to tell what the Lord taught me today! My first reaction to what I detected as her meek and gentle rebuke coming 'round the corner in the conversation was to deny and deflect. After all, she's only 10 years old and I can do that. I was tempted to somehow turn this around so that she was actually the one to be found guilty! I even kinda started down that path, but the Spirit inside me was too loud and too present. Thank the Lord! In the end, I just held my head high and -- almost owned it! I confessed, (a little grudgingly). And I apologized -- with the addendum that One was displaying bad character in listening in on a conversation that she ought not to, (even if it was being conducted openly and right in front of her). Hmmm. It all sounds so utterly ridiculous as I write it down! How does the Lord put up with me?

I guess I'll have a "do-over" in the morning. But wait, there's more!

Later, as I'm studying my BSF questions in Genesis, I come across the story of Dinah. One of the study questions asks us to look at how her brothers reacted, why they behaved as they did, and asks me if I ever do that. I know what BSF is looking for: the brothers were angry, they sought revenge and yes, we're tempted today to repay evil for evil.

But, I saw something more. Perhaps I'm reading too much into it, or perhaps not. Either way, through it, the Lord taught me something about my earlier moment with One. I think that I see, in the brother's hasty reaction, the defensive rage of a conscience burdened by the guilt of its neglect. In other words, the brothers (in that culture especially) felt a sense of responsibility to protect their sister, neglected that calling, and were angry with themselves as they saw an innocent reap the harvest of their laziness.

I do this. If my girls get hurt because I'm not being watchful, my reaction is anger. But if my girls get hurt despite my best efforts, my reaction is sympathy and compassion. It's strange, but true.

So now I'll go talk to One. I will first praise her for the honorable way she handled the rebuke yesterday -- she has a kind, non-threatening way about her. That is a useful trait for the building up of others. Then I will swallow hard, smile and OWN my sin. I'll own the whole of it. I'll name it. I'll confess it. I'll repent and I'll ask forgiveness from her and from God. And then I'll get on the phone and do the same for the one I inadvertently dragged down this path with me.