So Very Weary...

I love my children. I want to do right by them. I sometimes think they might very well be better off without me, but that is up to the Lord.

I am growing weary of doing good. I know the Bible exhorts me not to, but it's like being on the downward slope of a very fast rollercoaster -- you want to get off, but you have to ride it out. I'm very tired of listening to the sound of my voice, often impatient, always correcting someone. This is not my life!

"Please put it away in its proper place."

"No thumbs, Three."

"Shoes in the shoe closet."

"Come wash your hands."

"Go potty."

"Did you go potty?"

"Someone turn off the playroom light."

"Why are all the lights on upstairs?"

"Please speak...mooooorrrre....cl-eeearrrr-llly."

"I can't understand you. Please speak mooooorrrrre sllllll-ow-llllly."

"Please obey me."

"Do the right thing."

"What are you crying about?"

"Three? Did you do that?"

I seem to be having an especially hard time with Three. I don't think it's the number of children we have -- if I had a houseful of Two or even of One, I don't think I'd end the day this angry, this often. I love Three, but her relentless, passive, stealth-like, strong-willed, slippery personality has always, always, always brought me to the end of my rope.

When she was an infant, she didn't sleep well for a full year -- sleep deprivation, compounded monthly, was enough to bring me to the brink. Now that she's older, she is wearing me out by her lack of desire to please her parents. Nevermind desire to please, this one isn't even afraid of the consequences. We have been much more harsh in our methodical discipline of Three, but she clearly doesn't care in the long run.

On the other hand, she can be so very sweet and is our most physically affectionate child by leaps and bounds. I hope she doesn't drive me to the grave with a nervous breakdown before I get to see who she becomes.

I do feel so sorry for One and Two because when they slip up, as children will, I sometimes don't have it in me to display the patience and grace that they need and that my heart longs to give them.

I'm just spent. I need to go somewhere and have a good cry...and maybe a...a...

Lord Jesus, my Savior! Please hold me tight!