I have been receiving the sweetest compliments from one of my choir collegues this week! This new friend has been very vocal in her encouragement that I should seek an alto solo in the choir. She has e-mailed me describing my voice with phrases like, "beautiful and outstanding amongst the altos," and "luscious," and "the public deserves to hear." Now, honestly, I do feel my voice getting stronger with every concert, but I am far from capable with the language (German, mostly). And though I felt my voice gaining confidence, I haven't trusted my ability to know where I stand with my talent. Twenty years ago, these encouragements would have served to boost my ego in a most ungodly and selfish fashion, but today I bow low in my heart and thank the Lord my God who has been pleased to afford me another opportunity to enjoy and share a gift He gave me a long time ago.
Nearly two decades ago, I detoured from any path that may have allowed me to make a life exercising this passion and talent in voice. A few destructive elements were at work in my life then: my weak will and lack of initiative and the self-destructive behavior of some of those in authority over me. Furthermore, like is the case with so many in their teen years, my parents and I disliked eachother immensely and intensely; I moved away as fast as I could and never went back. With that choice went the conventional route of college and dormitories, frat parties and life-long friends. Truth be told though, had all the right circumstances been in place, I still don't know that I had the patience for college. I'm a first-born and had been chompin' at the bit to be on my own for years.
During the time I spent away from music, I had many opportunities to confront my lost dream as a failed ambition. Working on-air for radio stations, I felt the sting of jealousy creep up with almost every live concert I attended. Most recently, I mourned for my perceived lost when I took my children to a soprano recital last year. In reading Laura Claycomb's bio, I guessed her to be in her late 20s, and imagined what it must have been like to be her -- having sung in operas, recitals and on recording projects from Houston to San Francisco to Europe! I don't know that I could have achieved that measure of success with the proper education and training -- but isn't that the hardest part? It's the "what ifs" in life that threaten to steal our joy!
The Lord, faithful as He is to give wisdom where it is requested, taught me much about His sovereignty over my "what ifs." I already contemplated the loss I would suffer if I had taken the music route: I would have missed my soulmate and 3 wonderful children. But it was a work of the Holy Spirit that allowed me to truly rest from my regret. I think He showed me that my talent wasn't given to torment me in adulthood, but was rather a life preserver in a difficult season. He impressed upon me that there were many opportunities for Him to have redirected my path as a teen if fame and fortune had been His plan for me; He showed me that many of those opportunities were more likely to have happened than the results that actually did! He very clearly had His hand on my path, and that is enough for me. Selah.
I pause to praise the Lord that I can say that from the bottom of my heart.
So...my Father has rewarded me for my submission perhaps? I'm not sure. I only know that I am overwhelmed with gratitude for the chance to sing and learn and be inside this incredible musical experience.
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